The mask Alli "swims" Lapps showed the world.

TRIGGER WARNING: Difficult topics such as PTSD, grooming, suicide, and eating disorders are discussed in this post. If these are a trigger for you, please refrain from reading.

Throughout my time as an athlete, I documented my journey primarily using Instagram. I used the platform to highlight the good, and distract me from the bad that went on behind the scenes. Unfortunately, this visual tactic of leaning on friends and my network for support was not enough to save me from the PTSD I experience today as a result of not asking for help. I thought I was asking the right people for help in the moment, but when you're trapped in the environment that hurt you, it can be a challenge to find the words to articulate your pain. I was afraid that speaking up when I needed to would hurt my team and my family.

Looking back, it is easy to see why no one was concerned about me. The pictures showed a beautiful athlete who got to travel the world, the papers said she has a 4.0- she's incredibly smart, and the community service hours said she is a selfless leader.

However, I've finally found the right network of adults and friends to lean on for support when I feel triggered. Recently, I started having nightmares and anxiety dreams about swimming for the first time since I quit. I've always felt my realistic anxiety dreams are why I'm able to achieve such high standards of success in the real world- I've already failed thousands of times on my own in an imaginary setting. Nonetheless, the anxiety gives me many sleepless nights and leads to insomnia, paranoia, and other harmful activities. The people who caused this pain will not continue to live rent free in my head. However, USA swimming is in need of large cultural reform to help swimmers who are already damaged by the system.

For these reasons, I wanted to put together a timeline of the mask I showed to the world and provide a little more context on some of the photos that built my storyline. Looking back at the photos with a clear head and an understanding of my trauma, I see them so differently now. Not only does this provide closure to me, but I hope it can empower other survivors to speak up about their stories and be leaders in their athletic communities.

My first team. Excel Aquatics in Nashville, TN

My first swim boyfriend.

We both joined Pilot Aquatics together at the same time and quickly bonded. Despite our hardships, we stayed lifelong friends. Now, we are going to take on the world together as I bring him on as CMO of my company. He knows much more about marketing and analytics than I do. Tralli 4ever.

My first Instagram post.

This was taken at a team trip where the tradition was to go to King's Island the day after the meet since the event was in the summer time. My friend and I pictured above fought a lot and never got along on Tennessee/Pilot Aquatics because we were both strong personalities. I realize now we didn't get along because men in power pitted us against each other. We are now superheroes and survivors in my eyes.

High School City Championships my freshman year.

This was my breakout season, and I won the 100 fly and 100 back to help my school. The local newspaper even wrote an article about me! We have it framed in our house to this day. Certainly one of my proudest moments.

Tennessee State Championships Freshman year in Knoxville, TN.

At the start of this meet, I told myself my goal was to place top 8 so I could stand on the podium sometime by senior year. I actually dropped 3 seconds in my 100 back and did it that day, placing 6th! I had never been so proud of myself. The secret weapon to my success this day? I changed my wallpaper to a Wolf of Wall street quote that said "The only thing standing between you and your goal is that BS story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it."

Zone Championships.

I applied so many times for this meet and finally made it as a 15 year old representing Southeastern swimming!

State High School Championships in Nashville, Tn.

This was one of the hardest meets of my life. My grandpa died from diabetes the night before the meet and I held his hand for the last time that day. He was also a swimmer, and I just wanted to make him proud. My parents tried to keep me from finding out he officially died until after my race, but I saw a post on my cousin's Instagram when I woke up the morning of my 100 back. We attended the funeral after the meet. I now know I made my Pop Pop proud.

Worst part? When I got back to high school Monday, my school said I let them down and used my grandpa's death as an excuse.

Junior Nationals in Los Angeles

I was one of the slowest people at the meet, but being surrounded by these top tier swimmers was incredible. I was so nervous for my 100 back because I'm not used to swimming backstroke outside, and I had to swim it in the dark so there was no ceiling for me to track off. I did alright, but it was really getting to see Hollywood for the first time with my team that made an impact on me. I went on to minor in Film Studies, and did many internships in production after this.

Minneapolis Grand Prix.

I met Michael Phelps. I'll never forget that feeling being tucked under his massive wingspan. His documentary, The Weight of Gold, is the type of storytelling I hope to achieve one day.

Olympic Training Center

This was my first time out west, yet one of the hardest training experiences of my life because we were at a high altitude. Nonetheless, I got to be surrounded by Olympians, eat amazing food, and nap 3 times a day.

City Championships Junior Year

I broke my first major record in the 100 backstroke as a part of Gryphon Aquatics. Securing this time in my 100 back opened my options for college recruiting at the perfect time at the end of my junior year. With this time, my transcript, my ACT score of 32, and proactive communication in the recruiting process, I set myself up to get into a high academic school.

Winter Junior Nationals in Atlanta, GA

For the first time, a coach let me try some new events. My Tennessee coaches knew I was exhausted from backstroke, so they let me try sprint freestyle. I surprised them and surprised myself. It was a much needed change of pace. Burn out for swimmers is very real, especially when you've spent a significant chunk of time staring at a black line since age 5.

Signing Day

When I stepped onto GW campus, I knew it was my dream school. Marshall Goldman, my head coach at Tennessee Aquatics helped me through the recruiting process to make sure I could attend school here. His wisdom has constantly served me every day of my life, and he's like a father figure to me. He is the blueprint for defining a healthy coaching relationship with boundaries in my eyes. For all we disagreed on in terms of how I needed to train, we agreed on morals and that was what mattered most to me. He provided me with a safe environment to learn and grow into myself.

YAY! Social media commitment announcement!!

I only had to apply to one school, which was very fortunate. Again, all credit to great coaching and networking. I committed here in fall of my senior year, and then got to enjoy the rest of my time at Tennessee Aquatics swimming with the security knowing I had my next step figured out.

City Championships my senior year with Gryphon Aquatics in Knoxville, TN

The underdogs won the city champs. I went to a magnet high school, without traditional sports. We started at the bottom, and by my senior year we got the gold as a team. I was most proud to be a captain here because we truly earned this win. Watch out for the STEM nerds, our strategy is impeccable. We had 6 captains this year, which is not typical. However, I think it was suitable because we all were viewed as leaders for different reasons. Every younger kid could find a mentor they related to since they had 6 to pick from.

A hug between frenemies.

This photo took the newspaper cover after championships. At the high school meets, teammates from Tennessee Aquatics had to drop our allegiances and compete against each other representing our high schools. Nonetheless, we could still share a hug when the race was over because we both had a stellar 100 fly!

Tennessee High School State Meet in Nashville, TN

The final meet I had as a part of Gryphon Aquatics. For this meet, I had the opportunity to prioritize the team rather than myself. We figured out we would get more points if I swam all 3 relays instead of 2 relays and 2 individual events. This allowed my teammates to stand on the podium with me rather than standing on it alone. I wouldn't want it any other way for my senior year. Out with a bang!

Knoxville Summer Swimming City Championships

Knoxville oddly has one of the largest summer swim programs in the country. This was always a fun time for the year round swimmer to shine and swim 50's instead of longer, harder races. I've always preferred sprint to distance. The energy when the whole town gathers to cheer on their communities could never be matched. It is rare to get the gold in swimming because each race only has one winner and maybe 100 competitors of varying speeds. By some people's standards, that means everyone but one is a failure. However, swimming is really more about racing the clock and self improvement for many of us.

KRC Last Lap

My last swim at my summer swimming team, Knoxville Racquet Club. This place was my happy place. I grew up here, had sleepovers here, and even lifeguarded here. So basically they funded all my camera gear. Bittersweet.

George Washington University Women's Swim team

My freshman year was an array of new growth opportunities. Being the small town southern girl in DC was hard. School and swim were harder than ever before, but I persevered. My head coach James Winchester told me he admired my resiliency more than anything. I didn't know the gravity of that statement until much later. Proudest moment? I was the only freshman in the athletic department to make a 4.0

New freshie friends at the Lincoln Memorial. The monuments were our escape from campus. This feels like a Gossip Girl moment to me.

Best memories from Freshman year

Magnus Cup Freshman year in Cleveland.

Here, my anxiety first started to kick in. I went to the doctor because my heart was constantly racing at 90 bpm when I was sitting and trying to study. Balancing midterms and missing classes for a meet was overloading my brain. I made my first mistake with who to trust in this situation. I worked more with my assistant coach than my head coach, so I came to him in a panic explaining that my body was screaming for help and we needed a solution. He now knew I was very vulnerable and "emotionally unstable."

My 19th Birthday in Knoxville.

I was reunited with my swim friends from home for the first time since leaving for college. I was so sad that we only had a few days at home for break (5 days versus the standard 1 month college break) because we had winter training trip, and I desperately needed time with my family. I raised my concerns to James about how this made my transition hard, he listened, and gave us more time at home next year. I know I am not the only one who voiced concerns about needing more time for break, and it was gratifying to know our head coach wanted to make us feel heard.

Trump's Presidential Inauguration

This day was certainly historic. I had pink eye the week before, so I had to wear my glasses, and I went blind as a bat to the ball. It was hard because we had to wake up the next day for a meet in Virginia. We tried to explain to our coaches that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity for GWU students, but they said swimming comes first. This was fine, we signed up for it, but we were all politically interested and wanted to live the Inauguration to its fullest as politically active students. Some of my friends who stayed home "sick" went to the Women's march anyways... no hard feelings, I just wished you all picked up a pink hat for me! :)

A-10 Championships Freshman Year

Wet Season.

We referred to off season as wet season because we had less training, and more time to explore the city, party, and bond with team mates in the real world. Wet season was the opposite of dry season, a term most athletes are familiar with- those over 21 were allowed to drink legally if they were not reckless or portraying the team negatively on social media. Although we partied hard behind closed doors, James kept a close eye on our social media to make sure we did not degrade the credibility of the team with trashy party photos. This accountability on social media was an important concept my best coaches understood. One picture can potentially keep you from your dream job. I worry about Gen Z not having this accountability on Tik Tok.

There's a large gap in the timeline my sophomore year because that's when my coach started grooming me. I stopped following my passions of photo and video when this happened, trying to focus on my mental health. This did not fix the problem, because I was leaning on the coach grooming me for support..... I just didn't know it until it was too late. He left GWU at the end of my sophomore year, so I assumed the problem would go away. Boy, was I wrong. He kept snap chatting me until I blocked him on every social media platform in the middle of my junior year. However, I kept talking to him up to this point after he moved to Texas because I felt so isolated on my own team.

I had tried to talk to my new head coach about my recent diagnosis with depression and anxiety, but he brushed it off and focused on the faster swimmers. Having just finished a summer working as an orientation leader with some of the brightest of my GWU peers, I was ready to step up and change the culture of our team. I suggested things such as a big/little system so the freshman had a mentor to always rely on for support. My female team mates got mad and said if they wanted to join a sorority, they would've. I wasn't trying to make us a sorority, I was trying to make us act like the family we said we were. We were not practicing what we preached by any means, but rather our women's team was constantly catfighting about petty stuff. All I wanted was for us to work together and be friends.

Yet, no one understood my motivations and the fact that I truly had experienced traumatic situations in my life even though I tried to verbalize it to the best of my ability. I wanted to keep my coach's behavior a secret so that my story would not corrupt others memory of GWU swimming. I now know what that man did was turn me against every teammate I'd ever had, so I only would go to him with my problems. This man is a master manipulator with a Master's degree in Communication from GWU.

I also now know that he is a not a man, he is a monster. Luckily, since my dad was Deputy General Counsel at the University of Tennessee, I knew the warning signs, so he never laid a hand on me physically though he tried. (he did rub mine and other girls shoulders inappropriately without asking permission, and made rude comments about my sex life in front of me and the men's team, but we did not have any sexual interactions off the pool deck. It was all grooming). The toll was all mental for me, even though I didn't let him come to my dorm when he asked to. I didn't tell anyone but Courtney because he had a wife and child on the way, and I didn't want to ruin their lives. However, it disgusts me that I ran to hug him and share some of my proudest moments with him. I was afraid to admit a man who said he was helping me was actually hurting me.

My two best friends Courtney and Natalie helped me through every step. Not once did I feel they turned their back on me and I'm forever grateful. They got to meet in person once when Natalie came to visit me spring of sophomore year. It is not a coincidence Natalie and I both went into careers in journalism and politics because we never felt heard by our communities.

the good snapchats that I saved...

New Year's Eve: Training Trip Junior Year

Another large jump in the timeline because I was so suicidal a few months after my new coach came in junior year. In my first meeting with him, I told him I was struggling with my new depression diagnosis, and that I wanted to lead, but I might need a little bit of extra help in the form of coaching and character development. His solution? He didn't take the only 3 swimmers who vocalized mental health concerns to the first team travel meet. This might have been unconscious bias, only he will ever know, but the correlation was obvious to the three of us who vocalized our mental state. We felt punished for asking for help. Also isolated.

Our administration was concerned that we didn't get to go on a winter training trip like normal because of the changing in coaches and disorganization that accompanied it. There had been talks about proactive measures to manage mental health, but the Colonial Health Center was closed, so we didn't have support in person.

My eating disorders started here as a result of a few things. I didn't live with swimmers because I needed my space, and if this was the case you weren't allowed to go to the store and buy your own food for the week- a team mate had to do it for you. Our coach wanted us eating in a community setting so we didn't get lonely, but that can't really happen when your team mates actively verbalize that they dislike you and consistently put you down knowingly or unknowingly. I didn't have a close relationship with the girls in my building I was paired with for meals. I lived with them my freshman year, and went random to pick a roomie the next year and met one of my best friends Sabrina Steinberg because of it. Sabrina was the first to point out that all my problems came from swimming, but I had never had a friend who wasn't a swimmer to make me aware of this connection. It was the right decision to live without swimmers, but the words of my roommates and team mates "We chose not to live with her for a reason," stuck with me. Of course I would not share a meal with them because we'd all be miserable. I felt as if I'd lost control over my eating, and could not even find peace in this necessary human function. It wasn't that I didn't want to eat, I just found no joy in it. It became a chore. Courtney and Kim also let me know the younger girls were saying I gained weight and everyone knew it wasn't muscle. The team also gossiped that I faked my mental health problems for attention. So I buried my head, stopped eating, and extended my suffering alone.

This picture shows one of my only happy memories celebrating the New Year with Courtney's family at the Trump Hotel. We had the best wine and 5 course meal of my life here, and as Courtney and I enjoyed the night, we knew it would be one of the best of our lives. Little did she know, I was planning another suicide this night, but her kind invitation ensured that I would enjoy this night and ring in the year with family.

She is my guardian angel.

After the party, I went home and fell asleep to Taylor Swift's reputation concert that was released that night. Thank GOD I did that instead of take my problems out on myself. Suicide is never the answer. If you are struggling with suicidal ideation, please reach out to me or a trusted adult for help. YOU are my priority, and I cannot watch another one of my friends try to take their own life. PTSD is real, even for athletes who appear perfect on paper, and if you are living through trauma, you might not even realize it. Asking for help is the bravest thing you can do, and I can guarantee I will never turn my back on you now that I have healed myself. However, the effects of PTSD might last my entire life, so I will need to slow down and continue to ask for help myself when necessary. Whether you need a job, a friend, a shoulder to cry on, I will do my best to get you the help you need.

End of the Year awards at GWU my junior year

I made a deal with the athletic department that I could work with Sports Med on mental health improvement within the department to keep my scholarship instead of swimming senior year. This was a hard choice to make alone, but I know I did the right thing, even if my team didn't understand it in the moment. I'm happy to report they have heard my story now and finally listened after hearing my Youtube video. The feedback I received warmed my heart. I didn't expect even one the boys to reach out with support. My goal with the video was to reach other females going through what I was since my manipulative coach was now working with high schoolers. As my therapist told me, no amount of education is going to change a predator.

Almost every single boy reached out with a genuine apology. They had the ability to grow and change, because they were also just college students trying to find their identity in a rigorous lifestyle. To be honest, I was just jealous of the men's team because they didn't get caught in the petty drama like the women's team did and fight against each other.

Thank you to my team for finally hearing me. I've always had your back and I will continue to fight for you. I consider any member of any swim team a teammate for life. I didn't just represent Knoxville or GWU or Tennessee, my story is a reflection of USA swimming,

graduation photo at the WWII memorial

In Taylor Swift's new song "No Body, No Crime" she says "I think he did it but I just can't prove it." I knew something was fundamentally wrong at my GW community. However, you can't heal in the environment that hurt you. I needed to reflect on the environment I was in using my personal experience, my friend's testimony, and my degree in political communication to identify the predator corrupting our swim family. I refuse to give him power over me for one more day of my life. I didn't realize I had all the evidence in my personal timeline of photos paired with texts, DMs, and testimony to tell a story that empowers athletes to understand predatory behavior in a proactive rather than reactive way.

I kept running from my identity as an athlete because all of the bad no one would listen to, but for all the bad, there was so much more love and community. This is why I survived. I don't have to run anymore because the pandemic has given me the time to self reflect and truly analyze what I want to do for my career.

I have decided to pair my degree in political communication with my lifetime experience in athletics to advocate for swimmers at a national level. I could not have made this dream career possible without all the friends and family I made along the way.

We need proactive policies that protect athletes as they transition into the real world and find themselves without their team for the first time. We also need education on healthy coaching relationships and boundary setting. We will make it happen, but I can't do it without my team. I am only one story, and it will take power in numbers to make change at a national level.

-alli "swims" lapps